Izinkan Aku Membencinya

Aku terlalu lama menunggu. Ku terlalu lama mencari dan akhirnya aku bertemu denganmu. Ku tahu ku telah jatuh hati kepadamu sejak pertama kali kau tersenyum kepadaku. Tapi kemudian kusimpan rasa itu. Sebuah kesalahpahaman bahkan akhirnya justru membuat kita jauh. Tak pernah saling tersenyum dan tak pernah bertegur sapa. Kau bahkan sempat membuatku sakit. Kucoba tersenyum, tapi kau bahkan tak pernah melihat ke arahku. Tapi, ku ingin kau tahu bahwa aku tak pernah membencimu, walau hanya sedetik pun. Walau sakit yang kurasakan begitu dalam.

Waktu pun berlalu. Aku merasa menemukan teman yang bisa membantu aku menggapaimu. Sayang, orang yang kupercaya sepenuh hati tersebut justru mengambil jalan lain dan meninggalkan aku. Seolah tak pedulikan perasaanku, dia mengambil jalannya sendiri menuju dirimu. Dia yang kini bersamamu. Aku akhirnya mengalah karena aku tak tega mengambil kebahagiaanmu bersamanya meski aku harus kembali sakit. Sekali lagi, aku sama sekali tak pernah dan tak akan membencimu.

Semula aku merasa seiring berjalannya waktu sakit itu akan hilang. Sedih itu akan lenyap. Tapi ternyata aku salah. Ternyata butuh lebih banyak waktu untuk menyembuhkan lukaku. Aku masih belum sanggup melihat kalian bersama. Aku tak keberatan bertemu denganmu. Tapi jujur aku aku masih sedikit berat bertemu dengannya. Dan rasanya terlalu sakit melihat kalian berdua. Yah, perasaan itu terlalu lama kusimpan dan akan sulit melepaskannya, meski aku tak lagi berharap kepadamu. Luka itu mungkin hanya akan sembuh jika aku bertemu dengan pengganti dirimu. Atau mungkin memang aku harus meninggalkan tempat kita bertemu untuk menghilangkan rasa sakit yang ditinggalkan.

Kau pernah memintaku untuk tidak memusuhinya, memintaku untuk tetep berteman dengannya, memintaku untuk tak menaruh dendam kepadanya. Aku akan menepati janji itu kepadamu. Tapi, kumohon izinkan aku untuk tak memaafkan pengkhianatannya. Dan izinkan juga aku untuk membencinya.

Curhat..

Bukan ku tak rela atupun tak ikhlas dirimu bersamanya. Aku ikhlas asalkan engkau bahagia. Tapi caranya mendapatkan dirimu itulah yang sulit untuk aku ikhlaskan. Saat ini, hatiku mengatakan untuk mencari pengganti dirimu. Tapi, entah mengapa aku masih terus melihat bayangmu dalam pikiranku. Aku tak tahu apakah memang kita seharusnya bersama atau tidak. Aku hanya ingin kau tahu, begitu lama aku menunggu seseorang seperti dirimu, yang bisa buat aku jatuh hati, yang aku yakin akan sanggup membuatku tak bisa berpaling ke orang lain. Namun, rupanya kita tidak diizinkan untuk bersama. Dan kurasa ini yang terbaik untuk kita, paling tidak untuk saat ini.

Aku hormati keinginanmu. Aku tak akan memusuhi ataupun mendendam kepada dirinya, yang juga salah satu teman baikku, demi dirimu. Aku tak akan rela jika dia memperlakukanmu dengan buruk. Jika takdir berkata lain, biarlah ia datang pada saat yang tepat. Kalaupun memang takdr tak berpihak kepadku, aku tak kan menyesalinya. Hanya, sekali lagi aku yakin apapun itu, pasti yang terbaik untuk kita.

The Way I Need

I once prayed that that I could see her more often. I once prayed that I'd be able to meet her more often. I prayed that You would allow me to talk to her more often too. And I also prayed that You would allow me to be with her someday. To have her in my life. To love her with all my heart. But if You just wouldn't allow my last prayer to happen, I prayed that I could still be friend with her. I prayed that there'd be no hatred between me and her.

And You have showed that You have answered all those prayers. Yes, You really allow me to see her more often (that I could not even count it). You did allow me to often meet her, even when she finally did something that hurt me, though sometimes I just didn't know what to do.


But You answered my two (or maybe three) last prayers in such a mysterious way. It began when I felt that I was betrayed by one of my friend, who used to say that he supported me and wanted to help me. But he felt something else, he decided to get closer to her himself. I felt like he stuck a knife on my back, truly.

But when the three of us talked together, I decided to let her go. I gave it all away cause her heart is not for me. But strangely, by this "incident", I realize You recently allow me to often "talk" to her. And You allow us not to hate each other. And I THANK YOU for that.

But I still don't know about Your real answer for prayer to be with her. I can only see two possible things to happen. You might want to tell me that it's not yet my time to be with her (But I really don't hope for it anymore) Or maybe You really want to say that we're really not meant to be and it's not our destiny to be together.

If it's not our time yet, I know the time will surely come for us, sooner or later (once again I don't really hope for it). And if I'm not allowed to be with her, I know that I'll find the best and the perfect one for me (this is what I really hope and pray). And whatever it may take then, I know it's gonna be the best for me and her. Cause the truth is that now I'm expecting nothing but friendship from her. And I realize that You don't always answer all my prayers by the way I want, but it's always the way I need.

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A Little Story

There was a boy who had a long distance relationship with his girl. At, first everything seemed to be fine. But after a few months, something began to get wrong.

One day, the girl made a call. She then asked a little question, “are you really serious ‘bout our relationship?”. “Yes, I am”, said the boy. “When will you marry me, then?”, asked the girl again. “As soon as I can. Just pray for me that I’ll get a job soon”, said the boy. The girl then closed the conversation and she was suddenly hard to find. When the boy tried to call, her number was not active. The message he sent was often delayed or even unsent. The boy then made a promise to call the girl whenever her number was active.

And that day finally arrived. Her number was finally active, and he called her. They talked each other for a few minutes. It surprised the boy when the girl said “We have to be done”. “Why? We can’t be done, I love you. I’ll think about it before agreeing it”, replied the boy. “I’m sorry, but I feel hurt”, replied the girl.

A few days later
The boy sent a reply, “I can’t understand it still”. “Don’t worry, we can still be friends”, replied the girl. “If that’s what you really want, I will let you go”, said he. “If someday I’d like play around your town, would you mind letting me come into your house?”, asked she. “Of course. But would you let me come to your house too?”, asked he. “What for?”, asked she. “To have you engaged”, said he. “Please, think about it once again”, said the girl. “Thank you then for everything. Please forgive all my mistakes to you. The time we spent together will always remain. I will not forget it”, said the boy again. “You’re welcome. I’d like to apologize to you too”, said the girl. “Let the destiny bring us then.”, said the boy.

A few weeks later
“Boy, I really can’t be with you anymore”, said a message of the girl. “Okay, then. But if fate brought us together, would you still wanna be with me?”, asked the boy then. “No. I really can’t be with you”, said she. “It makes me sad. I’m about to do a job interview. Would you please pray for me?”, said he. No reply until a few minutes later ….
“Boy, please don’t cry. Just keep our friendship. I’ve learned many things from you. I won’t let anyone talk something bad about you. If you ever find someone new, keep her trust and faith. Ok?’, said the girl. “Ok. I’d like to apologize once again. I won’t let anyone talk something about you either. I might be not good enough for you. May you find someone better. Love him sincerely too”, said he while his was actually crying.

On the day of Iedul Fitri, the girl sent a message to the boy with using a new number. One week after it, the boy sent a news that he got a job. They sometimes still communicated by short messages like when the boy told the girl that an article written by him was publisehd on a tabloid. The girl congratulated him for that.

But one day, none of the girl’s number was ever active. The boy still tried to call her and sent her message but they were unsent. He tried to send her e-mail, but it was never replied. So they never talked each other again. He just kept living his life just like nothing bad ever happened. He kept trying to find someone new while he was praying that someday he could see the girl again.

Four and a half months later
The boy felt that he really missed the girl. He just wanted to talk to her. He sent a message to her sister’s Facebook account only to make him sure that the girl was just fine, but there once again was no reply. Waiting impatiently, he then decided to access the girl’s Facebook account. He was surprised and shocked when he found out that she had got married about two months before, only about a month after their last contact.

He finally knew the reason of the words “I really can’t be with you”. Yes, he did know. The truth is that the girl knew for sure that she would be married to someone else. She just didn’t wanna tell the boy about it. She didn’t even send him a wedding invitation. He knew that she was really a kind girl who knew that if she did tell him or send him an invitation, it would really break his heart and even make him cry.

Today….
The boy is walking still. Facing his solitary life. Searching for someone to fill an empty space inside his heart. He knows he will surely find someone, a perfect one for him. He keeps believing that sooner or later he will find her. The beloved and loving one. The very special one.

Based on a true story
I'd like to thank any people who inspired me to write this

A letter to 7.4.9.

I wish it were me you always talked about. Yes, I always wish it would really be me you’d share your life with. And I always wished that I would spend the rest of my life with you. But I didn’t seem to see that it was me. You never even gave me a chance to talk to you. You seemed to misunderstand what I ever wanted to say to you.

Sometimes I thought that we could be a perfect couple by sharing our habits of writing together. Sometimes I even saw the face of my sister in you. And I also saw a part of me in you. I still feel that I’ve found every girl I need in you. Yes, you, En. You with your jilbab, with your mysterious beauty, with your curiousity, and of course, with your glasses (I have told you that I have a little fetish on a girl with a glasses). But I just couldn’t touch your heart. Though I really wanna love you. Though I s I just don’t know if it will really happen. 

I know, it was my fault to have scared. Then you wanted me to stay away from you. I’ve been keeping my promise to stay away from you, though sometimes I just “watch” you from the distance by reading you words. And I still write some lyrics to say how much I wanna love you.

But still I don’t know whether fate will bring us together or not. I can only pray for it. 

Waiting for my book...

Last week, my manager told me that I had to finish writing my book at the beginning of this week so it would be able to be published at the end of this year. And I Thank God I was finally able to finish it on time *hoping there'll be no need to make any major revision*.

I'm waiting for it to be published. Well, my name won't be shown on its cover, but I promise you, you'll see "some parts of me" inside its contents. So, just wait for it and of course, I will surely announce it when it's finally published.